v. deliberately avoid using; abstain from |

Nights like these leave me feeling pensive; But it also on such peaceful nights where I’m reluctant to think about me (this tendency to over-think usually doesn’t bode introspection well) and pay attention to thoughts like Things to do in London or day dreaming of crossing numerous pretty bridges in Venice (which I will commit to accomplish when I’m all showered and snug in bed). 
I do this thing where I evaluate my life when the semester is about to come to a close, mainly because I face a mini existential crisis while studying for my papers, “why am i studying so hard/is this even going to be applicable to me 5 years down the road/oh god, what am i gonna do in the future/help”. The imagined future is a little daunting to think about now, plus I don’t want to disturb this state of transient equilibrium that I am currently in and will cease to exist once my exams start tomorrow.
Which brings me to the past, the one that I no longer have control over so I don’t have to think about how my actions will bring about certain consequences etc. I guess the past 4 months have been rather decent, and I didn’t attain enlightenment or experience anything life changing of sorts. I, however, now have different views on matters which I thought my stand on was pretty moored e.g. pre-marital sex, moray eels, lesbians, to name a few. So I don’t know if it’s the big life changing events that matter, or these nuances that determine if I’m the same person I was last December. 
A part of me feels like I’ve changed, and I’d like to think that it’s for the better.
Thomas Edison’s last words were ‘It’s very beautiful over there’. I don’t know where there is, but I believe it’s somewhere, and I hope it’s beautiful.” 
 I don’t know what the future will be like, but I hope that future-me will be able to deal with how the past-me has dealt with its present, and one can hope that the future will remain to be as beautiful as the current, or grow to be something far beyond my wildest imaginations. 

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